Father, Come Home . . . And Change The World!

Over the last decade or so hundreds of thousands of Christian families have begun a process of returning home. The choice is registered most visibly in the choice to homeschool the children. But this choice almost always includes another: the mother does not work outside the home. Her work becomes very much home-centered. Then, as the homeschooling process unfolds year by year, most families have discovered that just having Mom and the children at home is not enough. Dad must also “come home” in the sense that he must reclaim his responsibilities and privileges as head of the family if the renewal his family has begun to enjoy is to prosper. The homeschooling movement has had the salutary effect of turning the hearts of each member of the family back to the home.

This “family renaissance” is most welcome in a day when the home has become, even among Christians, a combination fast-food restaurant, transportation hub, and motel. Surely it is a wholesome development when families begin to take back responsibility for areas of life which God gave to them but which they have abandoned to other institutions over the years. And so not only have we seen education coming home; we have also witnessed a renewed interest in families taking charge of health decisions, caring for elderly relatives, and becoming self-sufficient in food, clothing, and shelter. Beyond this, many men are talking openly of their desire to come home in the sense of establishing a home-based business that would allow them to be closer to their families and would allow their children to follow them in a self-sufficient lifestyle. Some have even come to express open admiration for the simple, family-centered lifestyle of the Amish (without embracing their theological perspective). Surely this turning of the hearts of fathers to the home is to be lauded—or is it?

Is Being Home-centered a Form of Effeminate Abdication?

One esteemed brother and Christian writer recently scolded the Christian “masculine renewal movement” for actually being a quiet adoption of feminism! He refers to “the ‘neo-Amish’ home-centered reaction to modernity” in which “[t]he woman’s perspective on the home and family is accepted as normative and binding on all members of the family. Because she is home-centered, so must everyone else be…. But among many traditionalist Christians, the women have decided that the men must come home too. And so the men have, meekly submitting once again. But as the men adopt the home-centered vision which God intended only for wives, they have in fact betrayed their wives” [his emphasis].

He goes on to show that the Bible presents godly men who have vocations outside the home and which cannot be carried out at home (soldier, city treasurer, etc.). The model for manhood is the husband of the Proverbs 31 woman who “is where he is supposed to be, away from home, sitting in the gates with the elders of the city (v. 23)” [his emphasis].

He reaches his conclusion when he states that “those men who have accepted the home-centered vision deserve the strongest rebuke—not because of their traditionalist masculinity, but for just the opposite problem, that of effeminate abdication…. Neither should we praise those men who go home to try to give their children two mothers.”

The author was obviously in something of a pique when he penned his short article (I am purposely not identifying the author or publication because of the regard in which I hold both). But even allowing for the excesses of rhetoric which we writers too often employ to dismiss those with whom we have some disagreement, the brush with which he paints home-centered fathers is exceedingly broad! Most of the Christian men I know who are aiming to “come home” are conscientiously attempting to fulfill what they understand to be a biblical duty; they are not modeling fatherhood on motherhood.

So let us ask, should Christian fathers aim to come home, even to the extent of trying to establish a home business? Is it indeed a feminization of men for them to have a home-centered understanding of their role? Does a man have an outward focus that his wife does not, and if so, is that compatible with any efforts to “come home”?

As we examine Scripture on these points we will discover that, although we do not need to become “neo-Amish”, being home-centered is indeed God’s calling for men. However, while the term “home-centered” may properly be applied to both their callings, the term means something much different for the man than for the woman. Lets begin at the beginning.

A Job to Do, and Someone to Help

When God created man he made the male first (Gen. 2:7), gave him a job to do (v. 15), and provided him with the moral guidance he needed to get the job done (vv. 16-17). Adam’s job was to take care of the garden the Lord had planted in Eden. This was a specific application of the general job description God had given to man upon his creation: to rule, or take dominion over, the whole earth (1:26,28). The calling of the man was clearly an all-encompassing, world-changing, outward-oriented task. He was to reflect the universal dominion of his Creator-King by being a steward of this planet, re-creating and ruling this earthly domain to the glory of God.

But his task was not one he could do very well by himself. So the Lord God made a woman out of the man to be his companion-helper (2:22). Eve was, like him, in the image of God (1:27) and was to be his partner in carrying out the dominion mandate. But her role was a subordinate one; she was to assist Adam in carrying out the task God had given him before she was even created.

The heart of her role can be discerned in the other part of the dominion mandate: beyond ruling the earth, the man and woman were to “be fruitful and multiply” (1:28). The creation of woman made this fruitfulness possible. Adam could have ruled the earth without a wife, but he could not have borne children! The woman’s role was thus focused upon her husband, first of all, and then upon the children she would bear him to enable him to fulfill his calling as ruler over the earth.

The woman focuses on the home, while the man focuses on his dominion tasks with the whole world in view. This understanding of their respective roles is confirmed by noting that, after they sinned, the curse on the woman involved her children and her husband (3:16) while the curse on the man involved the ground (vv. 17-19), the earth over which he was to exercise dominion. Man is outward-oriented; woman is home-centered.

The rest of Scripture supports this understanding. The woman of Proverbs 31 is totally focused upon her husband, her children, and her household, while her husband in out in the city gates (v. 23). Similarly, Titus 2 presents a picture of a godly woman who is a “homeworker” and whose calling is absorbed with her husband and children—”so that no one will malign the word of God” (vv. 4,5). Men are church and community leaders, tentmakers, fisherman, and carpenters, carrying out their masculine callings in a myriad of ways.

(We should note that although fulfillment of the dominion mandate has been complicated by sin, God has never suspended it. Rather, he has provided in the cross of Christ the remedy that makes its fulfillment possible. So now we preach the gospel in order to make disciples of all nations, disciples who obey everything God has commanded, including the original command to rule the earth to the glory of God (Matt. 28:18-20). The Great Commission is the means to fulfilling the Dominion Mandate.)

Defining “Home-centered”

So far it may appear that our study has only served to confirm the perspective of the writer who dismisses home-centered men as merely second mommies. It is true: women are home-centered and men are outward-oriented in their callings. But this is not the entire picture. More needs to be said if we are to be faithful to all of Scripture.

The Bible also clearly shows that men are to be home-centered. Now, they are to be so in a way that is different from their wives, but they are to be so nonetheless. Let’s summarize the point first and then look at the biblical data.

A woman is home-centered in the sense that the scope of her particular calling as a woman begins and ends in the home. As we have seen, she is properly preoccupied with matters that relate to her husband, her children, and her household. As the family ministers to extended family, church, and community she will have contact with many other people and her influence will spread; as she helps offer hospitality and stands by her husband in his various callings, she will have an effect on many other people (even “at the city gate,” Prov. 31:31). But all of her influence results from her role as the helper of her husband. God did not intend her to have an independent influence. She does have a vital part to play in taking dominion over the earth, but it is a part that is expressed solely in her home-centered functions.

A man, on the other hand, is home-centered in the sense that the foundation of his particular calling as a man is in the home. His calling by no means ends in the home; it extends to every physical element, every person, every institution on the earth, all of which he is to offer to the glory of God through Jesus Christ. But his calling most certainly does begin in the home. The family is the most important sphere in which any man exercises his God-given dominion, and he cannot effectively serve God in other spheres unless he serves well first at home. A man should be home-centered in the sense that he makes his family the first priority in his life. Out of that commitment will grow effective dominion over the whole earth.

The home-centered calling of a man is seen, first of all, in the biblical injunction for a man to love his wife, to cherish her, to live with her as a joint heir of the grace of life (Eph. 5:25,28,29,33; 1 Pet. 3:7). She who was made from his own body, and is thus bone of his bones and flesh of his flesh, is the most important person in a man’s life. She is his partner, his lover, his best counselor, his friend. In marriage he enters into a covenant with her to love her faithfully as long as they both live (Mal. 2:14). At the emotional center of any home stands the woman, and it is her husband’s devotion to her that makes her a radiant wife (Eph. 5:27), a channel of blessing to every member of the household and all who come into contact with it. A married man has no higher duty than to love his wife.

The second way in which the Bible reveals the home-centered calling of a man is in its emphasis upon his duty to raise his children for God. Out of the one-flesh union of the man and his wife comes the blessing of children. The multiplication of godly offspring is one of God’s chief purposes for marriage (Mal. 2:15), and the man is blessed of God whose quiver is full of child-arrows with which he can fight the battle for godly dominion (Ps. 127:3-5). Merely having children is not enough; God wants godly offspring, well-wrought arrows. He wants men to turn their hearts toward their children (Mal. 4:6; Lk. 1:17). This certainly involves gentleness and compassion (Eph. 6:4; Ps. 103:13) but it is much more. Fathers are to turn to their children with loving discipline (Heb. 12:9) and with sober teaching about the word and works of God so that succeeding generations will serve the Lord (Ps. 78:1-8).

Turning his heart toward his wife and children is both the highest temporal duty of a man and the most effective way to fulfill his manly duty of taking dominion over the earth and making disciples for Jesus Christ. As he devotes himself to shaping his children as disciple-arrows, and they in turn shape their children in the next generation, and so on, the earth becomes filled with godly seed. The children of the man who fears the Lord will indeed “be mighty in the land” (Ps. 112:2). Being home-centered is the most potent way for a man to be outward-oriented.

A home-centered focus is also necessary in order for a man to be effective in the other spheres in which God has called him to serve: church, civil government, commerce, etc. The Holy Spirit makes clear through Paul that a man is not even fit to lead in the church if he is not first leading his own family in a godly manner (1 Tim. 3:4-5). Faithfulness in the smaller sphere is necessary before a man can be entrusted with stewardship of a larger sphere (Matt. 25:21). A man who has not learned to manage his own family well has not developed the character necessary to take dominion in the other areas of life. Conversely, if he succeeds in the home, he is primed for success elsewhere. Real men are trained for their larger dominion tasks by faithful fulfillment of their home-centered task.

So men are indeed supposed to be home-centered—but that does not mean they are feminized. Quite the contrary. They are most masculine when they recognize that their family calling is the absolutely essential foundation for successfully carrying out their larger, outward-oriented dominion tasks.

Can “Coming Home” Go Too Far?

We come now back to the question of “coming home.” We earlier stated that it is a good thing that men are coming home in the sense of returning to their duties as head of the home and, in the process, reclaiming responsibility for education, health care, family welfare, etc. The question is, can this process go too far (as the author we quoted seems to suggest)? For example, the trend toward homeschool fathers wanting to start a home business or a self-sufficient homestead in order to be close to the family—is that going too far? Does that desire signal an abdication of a man’s outward-oriented dominion tasks? Is he making too much of his family and too little of the rest of his calling?

Our answer is threefold. The first we have just given above as we explained that being home-centered is part of a godly man’s strategy for accomplishing his dominion task. The aforementioned author presents a false choice: you will be either home-centered or outward-oriented. The fact is that you can and must be both simultaneously.

Second, a man may in fact be going “too far” in coming home if he views his family leadership role as his only calling in life. Some homeschooling fathers may indeed be a species of “neo-Amish” who renounce any world-changing role beyond the home. They are in serious error. The problem is not, however, that they are home-centered; it is that they are not also outward-oriented. A father has duties in his local church, his community, his nation, his world. His mission begins at home but does not end there. Some men will be elders, some community leaders, all should play some role in influencing these other spheres of life. For the “neo-Amish” the solution is not to remove the men from the home but to remind them that they are also in the world, a world over which Christ now rules and which he expects Christian men to influence to his glory.

Third, the desire of a father for a home business or a homestead points to a healthy reexamination of the balance of work and family. Too many have seen their jobs as their life focus, but the focus of life for the Christian man should be service to Christ—in his home, in his work, everywhere. And this will mean viewing his vocation not as an all-consuming end in itself but as a tool for both extending his influence in the world and family discipleship. God has not created the elements of life to flow in separate, unrelated channels—job, family, church, etc. All the channels should blend as currents in a unified stream of life, each with its due emphasis. A Christian father needs to think about how God may intend to create a confluence between his vocation and his family discipleship task. Home business and homesteading are two good options.

Not every man can start a home-based business or buy land for a homestead and begin to spend all day around his family (nor will this be the form of God’s calling for every man), but every man should aim to maximize his opportunities to disciple his wife and children. Some men will be able to become freemen and work for themselves or establish a family settlement, others will not, but both groups can serve the Lord Jesus, and neither can abdicate their calling to their families (cf. 1 Cor. 7:21-22). Coming home to work is not the only way for a man to increase the opportunities for discipleship of his children, but it is one of the best ways. Those who remain in callings that take them away from the family for large portions of time will have more of a challenge discipling their families, but if they are where God has placed them for now he will give the grace and wisdom to help them minimize the hindrances.

The Perfect Father-Son Relationship

Fathers need to meditate on the truth of John 5:19,20: “I tell you the truth, the Son can do nothing by himself; he can do only what he sees his Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son also does. For the Father loves the Son and shows him all he does.” Here is revealed the perfect father-son relationship. It is characterized by an intimate association between the two, a loving relationship in which the Father models and the Son imitates. It is the original discipleship relationship. Jesus recapitulated this relationship with his disciples: he spent time with them, loved them, and provided a model for them in his life and teaching.

Fathers are responsible to disciple their sons (and daughters). How can they do this when they are not even around the home? How can they develop intimacy and express love when they are away most of the time? How can they provide a model for their children when they are not with their children? Fatherhood is so much more than putting meat on the table. It is a heart to heart relationship through which to teach children and prepare them for life. How is this happening when Dad is off at his job all day? Many men have answered that question by getting back home vocationally, as much as possible. The more a father is with his children the more effectively he can fulfill his fatherly discipleship duties. (This is especially so with sons, and it is increasingly so the older the children are.)

Methods are not neutral. They make a difference. It makes a difference whether your children are educated at a public school or at a private Christian school or at home. Likewise, it matters whether children are raised with no exposure to their fathers or a little exposure or a lot of exposure. The same logic that suggests home education as the best alternative for raising godly children also suggests that the more a father can be present to disciple his children, the better the process will go.

So, can a father go too far in his coming home? No. He might wrongly neglect his wider calling, but he can never overdo his relationship with his family. Was God the Father too close to the Son? The more the family can be with a father to share his days, the better. A home-centered father is just trying to be like his heavenly Father.

In raising children to be disciples of the Lord Jesus Christ there is no substitute for the father-child relationship. In developing the father-child relationship there is no substitute for time with the child. The trend toward home-centered fathering is a promising one because it is one of the most potent forces for spreading the gospel and kingdom of Jesus.

Real men come home—as much as possible—in order that they can be truly effective in their world-shaping mission. They come home so that they can more carefully fashion the arrows in their quiver to strike a blow against the enemy and increase the dominion of the King of kings.

Come home . . . and change the world!

No-Fault Child Raising

by Philip Lancaster

Is God faithful? Is man responsible? Do our moral actions have predictable consequences, or are God’s dealings with his children utterly capricious?

The answers to these questions appear to be in doubt for a large segment of the evangelical community in the late 20th Century. While we rail at the world and our secular society for its lack of faith in God and its failure to hold men accountable for their actions, we exhibit the same character flaws ourselves. In fact, it is accurate to say that the reason our nation has lost its faith and its moral compass is because professing Christians have lost theirs.

I refer specifically to the widespread attitude among evangelicals about raising their children. They have lost their faith in the faithfulness of God. They have lost their sense of their own accountability to God for how they raise their children.

Witness a recent article in Focus on the Family magazine (by Karen Orfitelli, October, 1995, p. 6). We are here introduced to a 13-year-old girl who spends 45 minutes on the phone excitedly recounting the events of today’s English class with a girl friend. When she gets off the phone, her mother asks her about her day and the class and gets only a one word answer, then a complaint about a lack of good food in the kitchen, then a brush-off as the girl heads off to homework. The author then concludes, “If this scene sounds familiar, then you are probably finding that communicating with your adolescent can be a full-time, headache-producing job. Be encouraged—you are not alone.”

It is no doubt true that many parents, even Christian parents, find themselves in such a situation, but is that reason to be encouraged? Imagine the crew of the Titanic telling the drowning passengers, “Be encouraged—you are not alone.” Some comfort! A better conclusion by the author would have been, “Be alarmed! You’ve got a very serious problem on your hands, and what makes it even worse: many other families are in the same shipwrecked state as yours.”

The author continues: “As a veteran middle school teacher, I have found that a large portion of my time is spent reassuring parents that their children’s inappropriate actions, surly attitudes and peer dependence are common behaviors . . .” Here it is again, that comforting thought that you are not the only parents with warped children. We are being set up for the real message of this article, already suggested in these statements, but now explicitly laid out: “. . . [these] are common behaviors—not signs of parental failure or social deviance.”

Let’s not miss this astounding conclusion. Here we have a child who displays peer dependence, shows a “surly” attitude toward her mother as she rudely rejects conversation with her, irritably mutters a complaint about her parents’ provision, and then sullenly departs to be by herself. This child is acting wickedly! She is violating the fifth commandment which calls her to honor her mother. Yet we are assured that this is not a sign of social deviance! By whose standard is it not a sign of social deviance? By God’s holy standard revealed in the Bible it is clearly deviant behavior; it is sin and deserves punishment (Ex. 20:12; Eph. 4:29; 6:2; Phil. 2:14; Col. 3:12, etc.). Our author rejects the Bible as a standard of righteousness.

Perhaps even worse, however, the author also assures parents that such deviant behavior is not a sign of parental failure. Parents are not responsible for the wicked behavior of their children. This is consistent with the teaching of the Focus on the Family ministry which assures parents that hormones are the reason for teenage rebellion, so it is normal, and parents are not responsible, so don’t feel guilty when your kids rebel and act wickedly. I cannot imagine a more destructive and utterly false response to parents with rebellious children.

The fact is that parents are responsible for how they raise their children. God has given guidelines for the process, and when his guidance is ignored, the fruit is bad. The bad fruit Christian parents are experiencing today in their children is a result of disobedience to God’s commands.

God says fathers are responsible for training their children (Gen. 18:19; Ps. 78:3-7; Prov. 1:8; Eph. 6:4; Col. 3:21), yet most fathers give the primary task to others.

God says child-training must be carried out in a thoroughly Christian environment with a focus upon God’s Word (Deut. 6:6-9; Eph. 6:4), yet Christians send their children to the godless state schools which expel any mention of God or his commandments.

God says that children tend to foolishness and that those who keep the company of fools come to harm (Prov. 22:15; 13:20; 1 Cor. 15:33), yet parents place their children in groups of their age-mates, thus corrupting their character.

Many Christian parents are seeing bad fruit in their children because they have ignored or rejected God’s revealed will for raising them. But rather than telling parents the truth, Focus on the Family tries to comfort them in their disobedience: Everybody has this problem so it must be normal; it surely can’t be your fault. The fruit is rotten, but that’s OK, just keep eating. Christian parents are being betrayed by such ungodly advice.

Parents are left to muddle through the bad situation their own bad choices have created. What advice does our author give the parents with surly, wicked children? (1) Be a good listener; (2) Show respect to the child; (3) Be a guidance counselor, not a warden.

Toward the end of this mercifully-short article the author presents the situation of an eighth-grade girl who gets an invitation from the boy she is “going out with” to meet her in the woods after a soccer game. The girl seeks the advice of her peers (unanimous “yes, go”) and her teacher manages to find out about it and ask her what she thinks will happen in the woods. She hasn’t thought that far.

Commenting on this lack of forethought, the author continues, “The most sobering aspect of this situation is that this thought process (or lack of it) is occurring at the same time we can no longer be with our children everywhere they go.

“Thus, we should seek every opportunity to guide children to consider the consequences of their behavior. Our teens may not be comfortable coming to us, so we should encourage them to also consult other trusted adults (teacher, pastor, youth pastor) for godly counsel.” End of article.

Be a good listener, but don’t “pontificate” against your child calling a teacher a “jerk.” Be respectful; don’t demean the child. Be a guidance counselor, but don’t be so restrictive that you could be called “a warden.”

What a counsel of despair: We can’t be with our kids to guide them all the time. Our children’s hearts may not be turned to us or ours to them, so they will consult their foolish peers and (ungodly?) teachers. Somehow maybe it will turn out all right. But if it doesn’t, don’t blame yourself. What’s a parent to do?

So the child gets pregnant, marries a pagan, leaves the church and denies the faith—and there will be many to comfort the parents that it was not their fault.

And what about God’s promise that if your train up a child in the way he should go he will not depart from it? (Prov. 22:6) Conveniently, many now teach that it is not really a promise, after all. God didn’t mean to assure parents that their child-raising efforts would be rewarded. How could he? I mean, look at all the rebellious teenagers!

So we let our failure of obedience undermine our trust in the faithfulness of God. Rather than repenting and returning to God’s ways, we are encouraged to accept things, bad as they are.

Fathers need to be told: Stop! Get your kids out of those godless schools before it is too late. Do whatever you have to do to save your children. Don’t accept wicked behavior as normal. Don’t’ be content to be one of your child’s counselors. Be a father. Be a man and rescue your children. God is still faithful. But that means we must be responsible. Good fruit follows obedience. Bad fruit follows disobedience.

The article we have been considering is dangerous, and all the more so since it appears in a Christian magazine that parents trust for godly direction. We are thankful for the good God has done through the ministry of Focus on the Family, but we must expose the falsehood that will lead Christians astray. The author here offers chaff at best, poison at worst. She says the things that the itching ears of parents want to hear: sin is not sin; you are not responsible. But where is the God of the Bible in all this?

He is still there. Still allowing foolish behavior to bring its own punishment. Still offering grace to those who repent. Still faithful to his promises about our children. The question is, Do we believe his promises any more? Are we willing to admit when we have not been doing things God’s way? Are we willing to be obedient at any cost?

Families and churches will not be renewed, our nation will not be turned around, as long as we deny our failures and give ourselves comfort in disobedience. Families are hemorrhaging, churches are cancerous, the nation is dying. Psychological Band-Aids and placebos won’t heal us. Only the radical surgery of returning to biblical righteousness will.

A Father’s Job Description

family parents children with bible biblical fatherhood

If you aim at nothing, you will hit it every time. This platitude applies to many areas of human endeavor, but nowhere is its truth more sobering than in the matter of fathering. If we don’t know the purpose for which God has given us children, then how can we ever fulfill that purpose? If we don’t know the goal of child raising, how can we ever reach that goal? If we don’t know our job description as fathers, how can we ever fulfill that crucial role effectively? Yet many fathers today, even among those who are turning their hearts toward their children, have never grasped the full scope of their fatherly calling. Exactly what is it that God calls us to do as we raise our children “in the training and instruction of the Lord”?

I have read that the ancient Hebrew fathers had a simple three point plan for preparing their sons for adulthood. The job description was this: to teach their sons the Law of God, to train them in a trade, and to find them a spouse. If they did each of these things, they had successfully raised their sons.

It’s a pretty good outline, and with that plan in mind I want here to suggest a job description for modern fathers. Stated in summary form a father’s job is to lead his children to know God and his Word, to train them to exhibit godly character, to equip them for their life work, and to prepare them to take their God ordained place in family, church and civil society.

Job #1: Teach your children to know God and His Word

“Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent” (Jn. 17:3). What will it profit our children if they gain the whole world and lose their souls? Surely our first aim as Christian fathers is to lead our children to know the living God through His Son. This will be accomplished through the scriptures which are able to make us “wise for salvation through faith in Jesus Christ” (2 Tim. 3:15); but God also plans for children to “catch” the faith through a close heart-relationship with their parents (Lk. 1:17; 1 Thess. 2:11,12). As to the Scriptures, there are several specific items that belong in the curriculum plan of every father who would, like the Hebrew fathers of old, teach his children the Word of God.

Bible Content.

Every child “graduating” from a Christian home should have a thorough, first-hand knowledge of the contents of the Bible. This is so obvious that it shouldn’t even need to be said, yet it is sadly neglected in our day. The Bible reveals God and His plan for the ages, it is the ordinary vehicle by which God brings salvation to sinners, it is our tool to take dominion over the earth under the authority of Christ. In Psalm 78 fathers are commanded to teach their children the word and works of God (vv. 4-7). Teaching Bible content is the most basic responsibility of fathers toward their children. If nothing else were taught in the home, this should be.

Every father should have a systematic plan for teaching the whole Bible to his family. This involves actually reading all the books and chapters and reviewing the content chronologically. It involves drill and memorization of basic Bible facts such as the books of the Bible, the major divisions (history, prophecy, etc.) the twelve sons of Israel, the ten plagues on the Egyptians, the ten commandments, the twelve disciples, etc. The goal is that each family member will be familiar with an outline of Bible history, the major characters and themes, the general content of the books. (Some excellent tools are available to help the father. One I recommend is the Bible Study Guide for All Ages, by Dr. Donald and Mary Baker, 37 Delsie St., Clarksville, AR 72830.)

Bible Doctrine.

This is related to knowing Bible content. We are speaking here of the need to have a systematic understanding of the major doctrinal themes of Scripture. Paul wrote Timothy about “the pattern of sound teaching” and “the good deposit that was entrusted to you” to guard and pass on to others (2 Tim. 1:13,14; 2:2). Our children should come to know what the Bible teaches about creation, salvation, the person and work of Christ, the Holy Spirit, the church and its ordinances, the last things, etc. Much of this can be accomplished by discussing the doctrines as we encounter them in our family reading, but it will be helpful to have some systematic aid to teaching as well.

Many over the centuries have found the catechism method of instruction useful here. We, for example, teach our children the Westminster Shorter Catechism, an excellent question and answer summary of Christian doctrine created during the English Reformation in the mid-Seventeenth Century. As we memorize the answers, I also expand on the doctrine being discussed. Some editions of the catechism also have the “Scripture proofs” for expanded study. Other useful tools we have used include Leading Little Ones to God, by Marian Schoolland (Eerdmans Publishing Co.) which is written for young children, and Essential Truths of the Christian Faith, by R. C. Sproul (Tyndale House Publishers) which is written on a high school level (though I use both books with my whole family, age 4 to 18, and adapt as necessary).

Bible Memorization.

God gave us the Bible not just as a source of information but as a tool for godly living. For this reason it is necessary to carry the Word with us. “Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds,” God told the Israelites (Deut. 11:18). The Scriptures are an antidote to sin: “I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you” (Ps. 119:11). Engrafting the Word of God into our souls through memorization provides us with a constant supply of fuel for meditation (Josh. 1:8; Ps. 1:2).

Fathers should lead their families in memorizing the Scripture; this means they should set the example by memorizing themselves and not just telling the others to do so. Anyone can memorize; the key is repetition and review, review, review. Our problems here have more to do with motivation and discipline than with ability. There are many good plans for Scripture memory available, but let’s not complicate things. One easy plan is to pick a passage and work on it as a family. (I wrote my own plan for my family and church called The Heritage Scripture Memory Plan which allows the whole family to memorize on the same themes, but with options of difficulty. (See the Patriarch Toolbox)

Biblical Worldview.

God has given us his Word not just to lead us to eternal salvation but also to serve as a guide to godly living in every sphere of life. “Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path” (Ps. 119:105). The purpose of a light is to illuminate the path. We ought to train our children not just to know the Bible itself but to use the Bible to give light to the study of every other subject in the curriculum and every other issue in life. Concerning any question or issue we must teach our children to ask, What has God said?

The issue here is whether we teach our children to use the Bible as God intended. Paul wrote that “all Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work” (2 Tim. 3:16,17). Do we believe in the sufficiency of Scripture, that is, that the Bible is our wholly sufficient guide for how to live our lives in a way that pleases God? If we do, we learn to view all of life through the lens of Scripture, including history, literature, art, law, medicine, citizenship, math, science, ethics, etc. (One excellent resource in developing a biblical worldview is Rus Walton’s Biblical Solutions to Contemporary Problems published by Christian Liberty Press, 502 W. Euclid Ave., Arlington Heights, IL 60004.)

Job #2: Train your children to have godly character

One of God’s chief goals for our children is that they be Christ-like. Salvation is not just about escaping the wrath of God which we deserve due to the guilt of our sin, it is also about being transformed from sinful, selfish creatures to holy, God-honoring people. In bringing up our children in the Lord one of our most important tasks is character training.

Of course, this process begins with ourselves. Our children will never rise above the level of godliness that we ourselves exhibit in our lives. We must model before the family what it is we want them to become. Jesus said, “A student is not above his teacher, but everyone who is fully trained will be like his teacher” (Lk. 6:40). For better or for worse, our children will be like us. One of the real benefits of homeschooling is that it forces the parents to develop their own character. They need special measures of patience, wisdom, orderliness, kindness, etc., and they need to work on their own example since they are constantly with their children.

We must also teach our children about godly character. They need to have clear in their own minds exactly what are the fruit of the Spirit, the character qualities that He is working to develop in their lives. To teach these things we need to study Scripture, noting the qualities of character that are shaped by keeping God’s commandments. We must also note the examples of godliness presented in Jesus and other positive models (Abraham, Noah, David, Stephen, Ruth, Mary, etc.), as well as the negative examples of behavior which show us what to avoid (Lot, Saul, Eli, Ananias and Sapphira, etc.). Further, we should make liberal use of Christian biographies and stories which illuminate character qualities.

Beyond modeling and teaching, we need to train our children in godly character. “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it” (Prov. 22:6). This training involves discipline and punishment. Scripture is clear that the rod of correction is a tool for driving foolishness and sin from the hearts of our little ones, and the neglect of its use will endanger their souls (Prov. 13:24; 22:15; 23:13,14). While the rod is used for rebellion, other forms of discipline are appropriate to reinforce positive behaviors and show the dangers of bad behavior.

One trap we must avoid is punishing only for overt acts of disobedience. We must also be careful to discipline for attitude. The child who obeys, but does so with a huge sigh and rolling of the eyes, is not obeying properly—he is displaying continued rebellion in his heart. If we do not discipline for attitude as well as actions, we will teach our children to be Pharisees: proper conduct on the outside, but rebellion against God within.

In all our training we must bathe the process in daily prayer. None of our training of the character can produce positive results without the work of God’s Spirit in the heart of the child. We train the character of the outer man, but the Spirit must develop the character of the inner man (Gal. 4:19). Our goal is that Christ be formed in the hearts of all our children. We have to obey and do our part in the process, but it is God’s work to transform the heart. And so we pray.

Job #3: Equip your children for their life work

The Hebrew father would train his sons in a trade so that they were able to provide for a family and glorify God through work. God made man to work before his fall into sin (Gen. 2:15). Work is not a curse, although it is cursed in a sinful world (3:17-19). Every man has a calling to take dominion over the earth in some form (1:26,28). A large part of a father’s responsibility in bringing up a child is to equip him for his life work, that specific occupation by which he will take dominion over the earth and provide for a family.

Our focus under this heading is upon the preparation of sons since they will become the family providers and since our daughters will become the helpers of other men’s sons as they pursue their life work (Gen. 2:18). However, there is considerable overlap in the preparation of sons and daughters since a man and a woman will need to be compatible in education and will both need to be involved in the teaching of their own children in the future.

Fathers must see to the general education of their children, that is, the comprehensive curriculum which is necessary to prepare any young person to take his or her place in the world, whatever their specific occupation. Men are in charge of their homeschool and need to direct the overall program of learning. This will include Bible, history, math, science, reading, language and literature, art, music, etc. While his wife will help substantially with the program, and will probably do the bulk of the day to day work, the husband must recognize that he is the one responsible to equip his children so that they can serve the Lord effectively in their future life and work.

Most fathers have no concept of actually preparing their sons for a trade or profession, but that is part of a father’s job if he is to ready his young man to take his place in God’s world. Most men leave this matter up to the son himself as he experiments with occupations or encounters various possibilities in college. We need to actively supervise the preparation of our sons and guide them toward their life work.

Part of the task will be accomplished as we expose our boys to a variety of occupational experiences as they grow up. We should involve our sons with us as we have opportunities to do work in various fields (or get involved with others who do these things): carpentry, electrical, plumbing, drafting, automotive, farming, sales, accounting, legal, medical, architectural, etc. Our boys need to see the diversity of possible ways to serve God through work.

As they grow we will need to be alert to the particular interests our boys express and to any noticeable inclinations and skills. One boy may be a whiz at math, another is very capable with mechanical projects, still another loves to work with animals, and so forth. Although we should be careful not to limit their possibilities by too quickly drawing conclusions, we should pray for wisdom and seek to discern the type of work God seems to be preparing our boys for. We can hardly go wrong if we emphasize a solid basic education for each child, push them toward as high an academic level as they seem capable of achieving in general education, and guide them toward a trade or profession that is in keeping with their gifts. If God redirects them vocationally in the future nothing will have been lost.

Apprenticeship is an age-old option for training young men in both trades and professions. Ideally, the father can pass on his occupation to his son, but where this is not possible or where the son seems prepared for a different calling, the father can utilize another godly man to train his son. Trade schools and colleges may be part of God’s plan for equipping a young man, but the father must be sure that his son is prepared to handle the unique challenges these will present: ungodly peers and teachers, false philosophies, and unsupervised lifestyle (if away from home). There are many schools that offer degrees completely through correspondence; so a father should consider the advantages of continuing home education into the post-high-school years. (see John Thompson’s article, “College At Home to the Glory of God”). Whatever the means, it is our job to see that our sons are ready when they leave our home to support a wife and children and to take dominion through an occupation that makes use of the their gifts and brings glory to God.

Job #4: Prepare your children to establish a new home

The most important calling any of our children will have in life is to be a godly husband/father or wife/mother. We have not prepared our sons and daughters adequately until we have thoroughly prepared them for the responsibilities which will be theirs in these roles. Too many young people enter marriage today with little notion of what is involved in being a mate and very little idea of how to raise children.

Our children need to be trained for their future roles in the home. Our sons need to understand what it means to be a man. We need to teach them all the elements of our own calling, including what it means to be a husband and this five-fold job description for fathers. Again, modeling is most important here, but teaching biblical principles and practical application is also necessary. Young men must be taught what it means to be a spiritual leader, provider, and protector for their families. Before marriage, they should read books on marriage and child raising, but more than that, we should have talked with them for many hours about these things.

Our daughters, likewise, need to learn what it means to be a woman. Our wives will provide the model here, so it is important that we nurture and cherish our wives so that they will be a radiant example to our daughters (Eph. 5:27,29). As with our sons, our daughters must be taught principles and practicalities so that they are ready to assume the role of helper and companion to a man and mother to his children.

Both boys and girls need to learn basic life-skills related to management of the home (though with different levels of emphasis): budgeting and careful purchasing; health and hygiene; food production, preservation, and preparation; basic home maintenance (carpentry, electrical, plumbing); teaching; etc. Especially as our children enter the teen years, we should apprentice them in these essential skills of the home.

As with the Hebrew fathers of old, guiding our children to godly life mates is one of our primary concerns. The world’s method of turning young people loose to “date” is fraught with dangers. It tempts them to emotional and physical entanglements that ought to be reserved to their future spouse alone, and the common experience of a series of “steadies” only prepares the young people for serial marriages through divorce. Instead of dating, godly fathers should return to the biblical method of betrothal or courtship.

The young man or woman should be taught what to desire in a spouse, but why leave them to their own devices to find one? Who knows better than an experienced father what to look for in a mate? A young woman should be taught to look to her father to locate a husband for her, and any approaches to her by suitors should be made through her father/protector. A young man, likewise, should depend upon his father’s aid in locating a godly wife, though the young man may take initiative and act on his own as needed (Gen. 24, 28, 29).

One of the most important legacies a father can give his children is a vision—a vision to establish a godly family dynasty. We should train our children to plan to marry and have as many children as God is pleased to give them, to homeschool these children (with our assistance), and to raise these children to themselves raise up yet another godly generation to serve the Lord. The most effective way to spread the gospel and kingdom of the Lord Jesus is through the multiplication of many godly descendants.

Job #5: Prepare your children for church ministry and responsible citizenship

One of the dangers of our current rediscovery of the importance of family is that we may let the pendulum swing too far. Family is our most important responsibility, our primary community in this life, but it is not the only community we live in. God has also placed us in the communities of church and civil society, and Christians have duties there, as well. To neglect any God-given responsibility is sin. Many Christian sin by failing to serve God in the context of the local church and in the context of civil government.

The church is the believer’s extended spiritual family and can no more be neglected with impunity than can our own natural families. Scripture tells us to “be devoted to one another in brotherly love” (Rom. 12:10) and to “not give up meeting together” (Heb. 10:25). We are each given spiritual gifts which are “for the common good” (1 Cor. 12:7) and the ministry of each and every Christian is vital to the welfare of the whole body (Eph. 4:16). Every believer, and every Christian family, belongs in vital connection with a local manifestation of the body of Christ, the local church.

Fathers must raise their children to respect this obligation and joyfully serve Christ in the church. Our sons should be taught to aspire to the spiritual maturity required of church elders and to so lead their own families that they may one day lead the church (1 Tim. 3:1ff.). Our daughters should be trained to offer their gifts in the quiet manner appropriate for women and to support their husband’s role of more active participation and leadership in the church. Above all, we should teach the importance of submission to spiritual authority as expressed in our church’s leaders (Heb. 13:17). Here, again, our modeling is the best teacher.

Scripture is clear about our obligation to be good citizens, to submit to civil authorities and to willingly do our part to sustain the governments He has set in place (Rom. 13:1-6; 1 Pet. 2:13-15). Our status as American citizens offers unique opportunities and obligations in this connection. Ours is a constitutional republic founded on biblical understandings of government. We need to relearn, and teach to our children, the principles that underlie our system of government. We need to do our part, and teach our children to do theirs, to move this country in a God-honoring direction. Keeping informed, contacting legislators, working in election campaigns, running for office—these and more are the duties of a free people in a nation founded “of the people, by the people, and for the people.” In this country, the people are responsible before God for the direction of the nation. We must teach our children to be godly citizens.

A father’s job is much bigger than merely putting bread on the table. His job is nothing less than taking the clay of an infant and sculpting it into the majestic form of a mature man or woman, one who knows God and His Word and exhibits Christ-like character, one who is prepared to serve God in his life work and to take his or her place in family, church, and society. A father’s job, in short, is to lay the foundation of many godly generations, to prepare the next generation of world-changers, to begin a godly family dynasty that will be a powerful manifestation of the kingdom of God in this world. There is no higher calling, none more challenging nor more vital. May God grant us the grace to see it through.

Counteracting Courtship Speculation

The following letter was written to address the negative affects of others openly speculating on who is a potential match for a man’s daughter…

Dear brothers,

I am writing to let you know of a situation we have just been through that has caused us a wee bit of discomfort. My aim is to help us all learn from it and to make it easier for each one of us as we seek to lead our families. The particular matter concerns children who are of courtship age and the role of the congregation in that environment.

Recently we have had quite of few families filing through our house (or guest house) checking out the church and the area. Some of these have returned more than once. And some have sons who are of courtship age. This has led to open speculation about the potential of a match between my oldest daughter and one of these young men. I am aware of at least three instances that illustrate my concern: (1) We heard second hand about how one member of the congregation asked a contact in another city if they knew if there was anything brewing between Sarah and a certain young man. (2) Another member told Sarah outright that they thought Sarah and so and so would be a good match. (3) Another member has asked Pam repeatedly if anything is brewing with Sarah, or some such question.

Now please understand that I am not writing to chide or complain, though I do think we need more care. This whole courtship phase of life is new to all of us and we will all be learning what to do and what not to do. So there is no need for apologies or explanations. We are confident of the good will of each one of you and know that your intentions are only for the good of our family and Sarah in particular. To the extent there have been any missteps on anyone’s part, we have already extended the same grace we ourselves are shown by you for our own many blunders.

But you should know that Sarah was placed in a very awkward position as a result of the recent speculation. The one guest family was in our home checking out property again last week and Sarah had great difficulty relating naturally to the young man with whom others were trying to match her up! You see, she should never be placed in a position where she has to be self-conscious about her relationships with young men. She is not the one who will decide whom she should court. I am. So she should not have to deal with matters of who is or is not a “prospect” for her.

I see similarities between what has happened recently and the whole “boyfriend/girlfriend” syndrome we are all trying to escape. The world busies itself with twitter about who likes whom and who would be a good match, etc. The courtship model removes the issue from the plane of public speculation (and hence degradation) and places it squarely in the father’s lap (along with his wife). He is the one who should be examining potential prospects in the quiet counsels of his own choosing, unhindered by the well-intentioned conjectures of others. (This does not mean that others should not offer him counsel in private and even suggest potential matches; but this should be done confidentially and in a way that would guard against creating public discussion.)

Consider what happens when someone innocently speculates, say, about Sarah and some young man. If there is nothing really happening, then she is made to feel very uncomfortable, knowing that others are matching her up with someone, and her relationship with young men (at least the one mentioned) is made awkward. She is also thereby encouraged to start thinking about a relationship with a particular young man; this undermines my ability to guard her heart from any premature attachment to a man. If, on the other hand, there were genuine consideration of a potential courtship in process, she would not know about it anyway in the early stages, and my ability to conduct my evaluation would be hindered by the open speculation. There is just no constructive reason for anyone else to be talking to anyone but me about potential alliances involving my children (except for the kind of private speculation that any husband and wife may engage in between themselves on almost any subject).

My purpose in writing all this is to help us all think through how to handle the process of taking an eligible young person from pre-courtship to courtship and betrothal to marriage. We will all be facing this, some of us many times over. My main aim is to try to nip in the bud any tendency to undermine a wholesome process with idle and inappropriate words. Our courtship model will require freedom for fathers to be constantly evaluating young men and women for their sons and daughters. We will need to regard it as natural that families spend time together, even perhaps for the explicit purpose of evaluating potential matches, without adding the burden of a backdrop of open speculation within the community. Prior to an announced courtship relationship, we will need to carefully keep our speculations to ourselves so that fathers can proceed with their task unhindered and so that children are not placed in awkward positions.

As in so many other areas, a good rule of thumb would be that any questions, suggestions, or discussion about potential matches take place father to father in private. The community does indeed have an interest in the matches its youth may make, but the sanctity and delicacy of the process requires an extra measure of care, lest we unintentionally degrade the process. Private prayer or private counsel with the father would be in order; other discussion among ourselves would seem to me to not be in order.

Please feel free to respond to me about the content of this letter, though I’m not expecting any response. I just thought it would be helpful to share a real situation that can help us all think through issues we will all have to deal with, and I would welcome dialog among us.

Again, I hope no one will worry about anything they may have said or done. My purpose is not to correct anyone. It is simply to help us all learn together as we pass down a new path.

Obviously I think it would be helpful if you share this letter with your wives, or at least pass on the heart of my concerns.

In the bonds of Christ,

Daughters And Marriage

by James Sherman

Recently my oldest son and I spent a day with a family that has a daughter his age. As the parents of these adult children we had arranged the meeting to allow them to meet one another in a protected and family-oriented atmosphere. There was a sense of joy and fellowship and some excitement for us all as we wondered how this meeting might develop. This will be the first of a series of such meetings as my wife and I have eight children: four boys, then three girls, and finally another son.

As I have prepared for this time of my life I have been struck by the difference in my attitude with the process of helping my sons find a mate and with the same process for my daughters. I have the feeling that the time is ripe for my oldest son to start his own household. I have prepared him and taught him as well as I can; I protected him when he was tender and challenged him to maturity as he grew older. Now I regard him as an adult whom I admire, respect and love. I will offer him my counsel and help but will no longer be in authority over him as I was just a few years ago. As he goes from under my umbrella of protection and authority and establishes his position directly accountable to God, I know he will make mistakes but I have confidence in his preparedness and God’s grace.

For my daughters, though, I sensed that my release of them would be qualitatively different. My expectations of the circumstances were different; my preparation would be different. I sensed the difference but wondered what God’s Word had to say on the subject. Hence this study.

The Covering Of Authority

God places men and women differently in the structure of authority. “Now I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ” (so as my son matures and can function as a “man,” I release him from my authority to that of Christ) “and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.” (1 Cor. 11:3) This passage says to me that as my daughter matures and becomes a woman that she remains needful of the protection and authority of a man. As her father, I am that authority until she moves from my authority to that of another man. There are possible exceptions, but most commonly that transition is to her husband.

My son is working in another city. I am comfortable allowing him to make unsupervised decisions regarding friends, place of worship, and leisure activities. I would not be as comfortable with a daughter of the same age. God’s word indicates to me that regardless of her age, commitment to godliness, ability to discern good from evil, etc., that it is my responsibility to function as her authority until I turn that right, or burden, over to another.

A transfer of authority to someone other than a husband would be unusual. Temporarily, the man in charge of an overseas missionary team might function as my delegated authority. Before I would allow that there would be a clear understanding between us of how seriously I regarded that honor! Scripture gives us a principle for this circumstance in Exodus 21:7-8: “If a man sells his daughter as a servant, she is not to go free as man servants do. If she does not please the master who has selected her for himself, he must let her be redeemed. He has no right to sell her to foreigners because he has broken faith with her.” While the specific situation would be different, the principle is clearly that the daughter’s authority must revert back to the father when it has been temporarily transferred to another man. This passage and principle would also apply following a divorce or death of a husband.

A second situation of transfer of authority outside marriage involves the death of a father. Numbers 36 describes a situation following the death of Zelophehad, a man who had no sons. His land was inherited by his daughters. In order that the land not pass out of the clan upon their marriage, Moses directed (as their spiritual authority) that they must marry within their clan. The elders of the clan had come to Moses with the problem. In this passage the principle appears to be that authority over an orphaned daughter lies not only with her mother, but also with the male relative (older men within the clan) and pastors/elders (spiritual authorities). The relationships of Esther and Mordecai and Ruth and Naomi give additional insights into this complex issue.

Finding God’s Choice For A Mate

The far more expected transfer of authority is to a husband. How then should a father approach the marriage of his daughter? There is no need even to consider this issue if the daughter has rejected God’s principles or has never been taught them. If she is out from under her fathers authority and protection to start with, there can be no transfer. That which I do not have, I cannot give. Just as I give Christ the authority over my life and willingly obey His command, so must my daughter willingly allow me the authority over her, and willingly submit to her husband. Let us assume that my daughter has been raised in a godly home and more than anything else desires God’s best in her life, and trusts Him to work through her father, a man whose failings and weaknesses she knows well. What then, as fathers, shall we do?

Fortunately, God gives very clear directions. “Do not intermarry with them; do not give your daughters to their sons (Deut. 7:3). “But if you turn away and ally yourselves with the survivors of these nations… and if you intermarry with them… they will become traps and snares for you, whips on your back and thorns in your eyes” (Josh. 23:12). Under the old covenant, marriage was restricted to another covenant child of God. Likewise in the new covenant, marriage is limited to a child of the new covenant, another Christian. “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” (2 Cor 6:14) But as is frequently the case, the principle here is broader than it was under the old covenant. There marriage was limited. Under the principle of 2 Corinthians 6 fellowship and any other “yoking together” is limited. I believe this would limit any boy-girl relationship for my children to a fellow believer. In directing this I need to be as sure as I can be that my child is a believer lest they be a snare or trap to someone who assumes their salvation because they are my child.

The foregoing mention of boy-girl relationships is not an acknowledgment of dating as it is practiced in our day. “Dating” is, in my view, a dangerous temptation to our youth and a wasteful abuse of God’s provision.

A marriage completely arranged by parents without the input of the couple is also unscriptural. “Under three things the earth trembles, under four it cannot bear up; a servant who becomes king, a fool who is full of food, and unloved woman who is married, and a maidservant who displaces her mistress.” (Prov. 30:21-23) Love in a marriage after the initial rush of excitement is a result of commitment to one another and of understanding and meeting a mate’s needs. Love grows in a good marriage. An unloved woman then is one whose husband is not committed to her, will not meet her needs; does not have her best interests at heart, and who does not understand his relationship with Christ and his wife. It is my responsibility along with my daughter to try to assure that this will not happen to her. That will require father and daughter to spend time with the man.

During the time the daughter is alone with a prospective mate, she is at some increased danger. Initially, neither father nor daughter may know the man well. In 2 Samuel 13 David sends Tamar, his daughter, to visit her half brother Amnon who rapes her. David was insensitive in sending her and absolutely derelict in his response to her rape. He thus set in motion a series of events culminating in a civil war. Jacob was careless with his daughter Dinah and she also was raped (Gen. 34). Interestingly, in both these cases the father was less concerned about his daughter than the political consequences of the conflict, and it fell to the girl’s brothers to respond. As my daughter spends time with a potential mate, the circumstances need to be appropriate and safe.

Additional insights are given in Genesis 24 as Abraham sends his servant back to his country of origin to find a wife for Isaac. We normally look at this story from the perspective of Abraham or the servant but there is profit in viewing it from the perspective of Bethuel, the father of Rebekah. Abraham directed his servant, “go to my father’s family and to my own clan, and get a wife for my son” (v 38). Bethuel knew the family of Isaac. He knew Abraham’s faith and his strength. He knew the kind of home in which Isaac was raised; he knew something of their values.

My daughters are not 1st generation Christians. They have been sheltered from much of the sinfulness of the world. They will come into a marriage relationship with a long list of expectations about their relationship with their husband, about his role in protecting them, about how their children will be raised, about their role in family, community, and church, and about appropriateness of dress, leisure activities, and social interactions. As we know so well, all these issues may be approached differently even within the Christian community. 1st generation Christians frequently are unaware of all the worldly views and attitudes they carry into their Christian walk and into their families. An “equal yoking” would require some agreement on many of the above areas and as a minimum an understanding of each other’s perspectives prior to marriage. If my son married a new Christian the difference in background would cause difficulty which could be overcome with patience and loving leadership. For me to allow my daughter to marry a man brought up in a pagan family would be more difficult and would require the potential husband to submit to a period of discipleship.

Bethuel saw evidence of faith. “The LORD, before whom I have walked, will send his angel with you and make your journey a success so that you can get a wife for my son”(v 40). In this instance the statement and evidence of faith was Abraham’s. Isaac’s faith was assumed from the father’s profession. For a man to marry my daughter I will need to hear a statement of faith from him and see evidence of that faith in his life.

Is Complete Economic Independence Needed?

Bethuel saw evidence of the ability to provide for his daughter. “When the camels had finished drinking, the man took out a gold nose ring weighing a beka, and two gold bracelets weighing ten shekels” (v22). In the custom of that day, Rebekah and Isaac would live with Abraham. Isaac would work for his father, under his protection, and eventually become master of his own holdings. Jacob worked for his father-in-law during the first part of his marriage and only after many years gained his independence. We today have an expectation that our children should be completely independent when they marry. For many, that may be unrealistic. A prospective husband should have a plan and see a path. Some provision for a wife must be made but that provision might include a period of support from either or both sets of parents. There are dangers in being financially dependent on parents in a marriage. Great sensitivity is necessary to avoid using finances to put pressure on a young couple in decisions they make. But the financial pressure of unpaid bills can be a great marital stress also. A potential husband needs to have an understanding of budgeting, financial accountability, and a scriptural understanding of debt.

Bethuel saw evidence of the Lord’s direction. “This is from the LORD; we can say nothing to you one way or the other” (v 50). While miraculous prophetic signs are not likely to be given, I will certainly be alert to God’s direction and pray for His wisdom as I counsel my daughter.

The final decision to go ahead with a marriage is not mine. “Then they said, let us call the girl and ask her about it. So they called Rebekah and asked her, ‘Will you go with this man?’ ‘I will go,’ she said” (vv 57,58). I have the right to veto an inappropriate union but have no right to force my daughter into a marriage. Ideally it will be a unanimous decision involving two sets of parents and two single adults.

I find in God’s Word that I have a responsibility to my daughter to discuss with a potential husband his faith, his family, and his finances. I need to make him aware of my daughter’s background, the family values under which she has been raised, and areas in which she has special talent or special needs. My purpose is not to force them into recreating my family; by God’s grace they can do much better! My purpose is to prepare him thoroughly to be what God wants him to be, the best possible husband for my daughter.

In contrast to the above process, consider Genesis 19, the story of Lot and his family. Lot’s daughters were pledged to marry two men of Sodom. These men may have been handsome and rich but they were not godly, not teachable, and not serious-minded. They were destroyed in Sodom and in the series of tragedies which followed, Lot’s daughters gave birth to Moab and Ben-Ammi, the fathers of two nations despised by God.

A Father’s Continuing Interest In His Daughter

Having fulfilled all the foregoing and seeing his daughter married, a father’s responsibility to her is not ended. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh” (Gen. 2:24). It doesn’t say the wife will leave her family, perhaps because the transfer of authority from father to husband makes that clear. Perhaps though the father still has some responsibility for his daughter. Deuteronomy 22:13-19 shows a father intervening to protect his daughter when she is slandered by her husband. Combined with Matthew 18:15-17 God shows clearly how parents might become involved in a daughters defense. Clearly, great sensitivity and caution would be necessary in these situations. Laban said to Jacob as they parted, “May the LORD keep watch between you and me when we are away from each other. If you mistreat my daughter or if you take any wives beside my daughter, even though no one is with us, remember that God is a witness between you and me” (Gen. 31:49-50).

A father and a son-in-law have much in common. They are both heads of households with responsibilities of self-sacrifice to those in their care. They both operate as intermediaries in God’s chain of authority and protection. The daughter has passed from the loving authority of one to that of another. They are united in their love, affection, and willingness to sacrifice for her. The bond that develops as a result of their shared interest and position will mature through the time of discipleship and become strong in shared friendship, love, and purpose. The marriage of a daughter is indeed not the loss of a daughter but a gain—the gain not of a son but of a brother in Christ.