The Happy Slappy Clappy Church

(A Parody About The Modern Man-Pleasing Seeker-Friendly Church)

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We are the modern-day seeker-friendly feel-good church. Our church does not have a statement of faith because we don’t want to be considered dogmatic or legalistic about what we believe. Neither do we want anyone to feel left out or unwelcome because they may not agree with us on something. We want everyone (with some exceptions[1]) to be able to relate to us and our church and to be comfortable fellowshipping with us. [2] We believe Jesus wants everyone to feel loved by God, not condemned by God. [3]

Instead of a statement of faith, we have a really awesome Facebook page where everyone can find out about the really cool programs and activities we have. We also have a rockin’ music program and some really “now” songs we sing every Sunday morning that all the unsaved visitors can really relate to. We do our best to avoid appearing old-fashioned or behind the times, so as to maximize our ability to attract the younger generation. Afterall, isn’t that what Jesus would do if he were here today?

We don’t want to bore people with lots of preachin’ so we have at least an hour of singin’ and clappin’ and rockin’ first. And before we get too serious with a message, we make sure we lighten things up with a funny video and a couple of jokes, to kind of “break the ice” before we go into anything kind of serious. And when it comes to messages, our primary message is this: MY experience is more important than YOUR doctrine. [4]

But our main focus is our music and the message in our music, even though our music has hardly any words in it. And when it comes to music, we stay away from anything too deep and convicting like those old time hymns that only the dead legalistic churches sing. We want to attract as many people as we can to the Lord and we need to be in tune with the times and the culture in order to do that successfully. [5]

We don’t preach against anything specific, so as to avoid being a stumbling block for people who are seeking God. We’d hate to see real seekers get upset and leave after being convicted of their sin. And we don’t want any new believers to feel unwelcome either. If we preached about living a holy life that included living and dressing modestly, if we preached against selfishness and worldliness, we might end up turning off lots of people who just aren’t ready to change yet. And besides, what is OK for me, might not be OK for you and vice versa… remember what the apostle Paul said in the Bible: All things are permissable but not all things are beneficial [6]. We all have different views of things and some people are simply too young in the faith to be confronted about certain lifesytle choices without being turned off to the local church and to God. [7]

FOOTNOTES:

[1] The exceptions (those who are unwelcome in our church) are those who question why we do what we do and who have the nerve to try to “correct” us and who dare to try to teach us from the Bible that we are off base, worldly, and even apostate.

[2] True Christianity is not about being comfortable but about being holy. And if professing Christians are not preoccupied with being holy, then are they truly one of Christ’s disciples? 2 Timothy 4:3 speaks of the comfort focused Christians:

“For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine; but after their own lusts shall they heap to themselves teachers, having itching ears.” (KJV)

[3] God does not want people who are war with Him to feel loved by Him but rather to FEAR Him and His coming wrath for their sins. Ezekiel 33:8 explains this very well:

“When I say unto the wicked, O wicked man, thou shalt surely die; if thou dost not speak to warn the wicked from his way, that wicked man shall die in his iniquity; but his blood will I require at thine hand.” (KJV)

[4] When we put doctrine and obedience to God’s word on the back burner, in order to attract people to a church, we are putting ourselves in league with those God condemned in Jeremiah 8:9:

“The wise men are ashamed, they are dismayed and taken: lo, they have rejected the word of the LORD; and what wisdom is in them?” (KJV)

[5] If a church changes Christianity into something appealing to rebellious God-hating sinners, then they are deserving of God’s condemnation stated in Ezekiel 22:26:
“Her priests have violated my law, and have profaned mine holy things: they have put no difference between the holy and profane, neither have they shewed difference between the unclean and the clean, and have hid their eyes from my sabbaths, and I am profaned among them.” (KJV)

[6] We must be careful not to interpret 1 Corinthians 6:12 to mean everything a person could ever do, no matter how sinful. But rather to interpret it for what it clearly must refer to, which is – everything that obviously is just a matter of personal preference, like the color of clothes that we wear or what flavor of soda we like to drink.

“All things are lawful unto me, but all things are not expedient: all things are lawful for me, but I will not be brought under the power of any.” (KJV)

“Everything is permissible for me”—but not everything is beneficial. “Everything is permissible for me”—but I will not be mastered by anything. (1 Corinithians 6:12, NIV-1984)

Exposition of 1 Corinthians 6:12 from John Gill commentary:

All things are lawful unto me
That is, which are of an indifferent nature; otherwise everything is not lawful to be done.

but all things are not expedient;
when the doing of them destroys the peace, comfort, and edification of others; when it stumbles and grieves weak minds, and causes offence to them; (see 1 Corinthians 10:23)

all things are lawful for me;
which is repeated for the sake of saying the following words:

but I will not be brought under the power of any;
which would be very inexpedient, should any by the use of liberty in things indifferent, on the one hand, offend his brethren, and, on the other, bring himself into bondage to those very things he has the free use of; and therefore the apostle determines, that these shall not have the mastery over him, that he will use them, or not use them, at his pleasure. It is somewhat difficult to know what in particular he has respect unto, whether to what he had been treating of before, concerning going to law before unbelievers; and his sense be, that however lawful this might be in itself, yet it was not expedient, since it was exposing of themselves to ungodly persons, and a putting themselves under their power to judge and determine as they pleased; or whether to the use of meats forbidden under the law, or offered to idols; which though in themselves lawful to be eaten, every creature of God being good, and not to be refused and accounted common and unclean; yet it was not expedient to use this liberty, if a weak brother should be grieved, or a man himself become a slave to his appetite.

[7] Didn’t Jesus know that he would turn off a potential follower by saying what he said in Matthew 19:17-22?

“And he said unto him, Why callest thou me good? there is none good but one, that is, God: but if thou wilt enter into life, keep the commandments. He saith unto him, Which? Jesus said, Thou shalt do no murder, Thou shalt not commit adultery, Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not bear false witness, Honour thy father and thy mother: and, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. The young man saith unto him, All these things have I kept from my youth up: what lack I yet? Jesus said unto him, If thou wilt be perfect, go and sell that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come and follow me. But when the young man heard that saying, he went away sorrowful: for he had great possessions.” (KJV)

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