The Warm And Fuzzy Lovie-Dovie Wishy-Washy Church
The Warm And Fuzzy Lovie-Dovie Wishy-Washy Church
Statement Of Faith (A Parody)
- About doctrine: You can believe whatever you want, we don’t mind one bit. We never let doctrine get in the way of unity. Remember blessed are the peacemakers!
- About Christian living: We believe that God wants you to be rich and happy. If you’re not rich and happy then you just don’t have enough faith. So all you have to do is ask God for lots of faith and expect to be blessed with lots of prosperity and happiness!
- About tithing: Tithing to your local church is the one vital ingredient to being rich and happy. In fact, the sin of “not tithing” is the only sin that will send you straight to hell.
- About women pastors: We believe that women make the best pastors, because of their motherly love and nurturing instinct. Our bibles have been edited to remove the verse that says a pastor must be the “husband” of one wife.
- About church leaders: We believe in hiring pastors from outside the local church. That way we don’t really need to waste a lot of time getting to know them and we don’t need to feel bad about booting them out if they turn out to be too judgmental or too preachy.
- About church structure: We believe in congregational rule, where the congregation gets to vote on everything: what they like, what they don’t like, etc. We don’t get much done but we sure get to vote a lot!
- About church discipline: We believe that it is wrong to confront people about sin. Such an attitude breeds hypocrites. Sin has been with us for a long time and we just need to learn how to live with it.
- About evangelism: We believe that sharing the gospel is just a matter of being nice to people so they see Christ in you, and if they are not Christians, then your prosperity and your happy attitude will encourage them to become one.
- About bible versions: We believe that the bible is a changing document. So we only use the most modern bibles out there, in the most easy to understand language. In fact, paraphrased bibles are our favorite bibles. We really like what those bibles say. They are gender-neutral and all offensive language has been carefully edited out by some of the world’s finest biblical scholars.
- About preaching: We don’t like sermons. Either they tend to get boring or they tend to cause division, especially if the message is about negative topics like references to specific sins. So our “messages” typically consist of light hearted stories with enough jokes thrown in to make them fun to listen to.
- About baptism: We’ll baptize anyone. We don’t want anyone to feel left out. All you need to do is ask. Of course if you’ve been baptized already, that’s fine with us. We don’t care who baptized you or under what circumstances.
- About communion: All are welcome to participate in communion as long as you’ve given your tithe that day. Which is why we preach about giving and take a collection just before our communion ceremony.
- About sin: Sin is just a state of mind. We’re all sinners so really, everybody is OK.
- About salvation: We believe that everyone goes to heaven. God would not create someone and then send them to hell. That would not be fair and we don’t like the thought of that. God loves everybody. Jesus died for everybody. So everybody is now OK.
- About Jesus Christ: We believe that Jesus was a great moral teacher and a great role model. The more we follow His example, the more rewards we can expect in heaven. Some of the things he said were hard to understand though, like carrying your cross daily (Luke 9:23). So we just ignore those bible verses.
- About God: Our god is a god of love. He loves everybody, no matter what you think, say or do. The idea that God is a god of wrath is an old fashioned idea that is no longer applicable to today’s world.
- About mankind: We believe that man is basically good and that we are all God’s children. We don’t like Christians who say we are all basically sinful and that only those whom God elects to salvation will be saved. Those ideas are too narrow and too negative.
- About hell: Our God would never send anyone to Hell forever. The concept of a place of eternal torment for sin is something from the dark ages that was used to scare people. Today’s enlightened Christians no longer believe in this place.
- About heaven: We believe that heaven will be whatever you want it to be. If you like to golf, heaven will be a big golf course. If you like to fish, heaven will have great fishing holes. If you like to shop, heaven will be loaded with stores full of nice things to buy, only you won’t need any money to buy anything.
- About other religions: We believe that as long as you are sincere in what you believe God will accept you into heaven. We distance ourselves from the narrow-minded Christians who say that the only way to heaven is by being “born again” (spiritually born) into God’s kingdom through faith in Jesus Christ by a supernatural act of God. Such thinking does not take into consideration all the wonderful and sincere Buddhists, Muslims, Jews, Catholics, Protestants and others who don’t think so narrowly and who are trying very hard to get to heaven their own way.
“Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that entereth not by the door into the sheepfold, but climbeth up some other way, the same is a thief and a robber.” [John 10:1]
Other articles about church lukewarmness and apostasy:
- What Most Churches Don’t Teach Their Members
- False Doctrines In Christianity Today
- Famous False Christian Teachers & Preachers
- The Happy Slappy Clappy Church
- Smiley-Face Christianity: The Gospel For The 21st Century
- Spiritual Baby Food And Christian Cotton Candy
- The Uselessness Of Church Entertainers
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Christ Died For The Ungodly
by Horatius Bonar
The divine testimony concerning man is, that he is a sinner. God bears witness against him, not for him; and testifies that "there is none righteous, no, not one"; that there is "none that doeth good"; none "that understandeth"; none that even seeks after God, and, still more, none that loves Him (Psa. 14:1-3; Rom. 3:10-12). God speaks of man kindly, but severely; as one yearning over a lost child, yet as one who will make no terms with sin, and will "by no means clear the guilty." <continued>